Do They Still Make Geritol?

And if they do, could I buy some ? I don’t care what it’s for…please, just sell me something…

They do, sadly. Different packaging. I just found that out.

If you remember Geritol from years past, then you ‘ll understand this little rant very poignantly.

 One of the worst moments in the life of a 50′s-60′s kid was the dreaded Lawrence Welk Show. This meant an excruciating hour each week where  life was absolutely devoid of any meaningful input, and our typical Disney-driven landscape was unceremoniously stripped away, laying bare a world of bleak, colorless alien culture, and patrons who were apparently in desperate need of vitamin supplements.

And Geritol was the only thing they bothered to advertise; a brownish liquid goo that smelled like old, old sneakers. I actually don’t know that for a fact, but come on, what else could it have been?

Yes, I agree… no one should ever have to know what was really in there. ( Or still is…)

But regardless of all that… I want to buy some. I really do.

I don’t want it. What I want… is to once again feel that a corporation is even remotely concerned with my buying demographic. I don’t have a porcelain bathtub, never mind two, and I’ll be damned if I’d be dragging them out onto a nearby beach… so I’m not buying that stuff.  With my luck, I’d probably misread the label, take a double dose, and end up in the ER where an emergency amputation would have to be performed. And have to take Geritol twice a day for the duration of my miserable existence.

I often relay to  friends and associates variations on this theme; Old Guy Goes To The Guitar Center. I am convinced that I could appear there wearing a Santa hat, a leopard-spot thong, and roller skates with lights on the edges. There is nothing, nothing that I can do to get waited on in a Guitar Center. I have re-arranged stock, played all the expensive do-not-touch-without- a -salesperson-in -attendance guitars, and glared derisively at everyone in the building. Nothing works. I have to buy stuff online because there is no alternative. I am truly invisible. I am an economic persona non grata.

No one cares if I buy musical stuff anymore… or cars, or clothes, or skis…shoes, most food, lawnmowers, TVs, …well, okay, the skis are a bit of a stretch, but it’s the principle involved. I can buy Cialis, and Poly-Grip, and AARP. No-risk insurance- no salesman will call, and that’s because they don’t give a damn where I live anyway. And Flomax ( can you believe that some ad guy somewhere actually thought that up, and got paid for it…). But I don’t want to take a canoe trip with weird guys that smile way too much. They won’t sell me the canoe to begin with.

So can I just buy the damned Geritol? Hey, look… there’s a coupon on the box from The Scooter Store…

I

Published in: on September 30, 2010 at 3:20 pm  Leave a Comment  
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