Feeling a bit British today…

Just been one of those days so far. Eddie always helps lighten the tone, and it’s probably still illegal to bayonet contractors. I never get to have any fun.

From Hardee’s Infantry Tactics; the proper use and application of an Enfield-style ( British) three- sided bayonet;

Step 1; Thrust- this initial contact usually rivets your opponent’s attention. And remember to visualize stabbing through, and not at. This ensures a significant contact.

Step 2;  Develop- because the blade is now lodged in said opponent’s ribcage, sharply turn the weapon to the right, app. 90 degrees. This motion creates a perfectly round wound that can never properly heal.

Step 3; Score- briskly pull weapon from said opponent. Repeat as needed.

Always fascinating that Britain has produced such a wide palette of contributions to humanity over the years…spectacular classical and pop music, Shakespeare, Eddie Izzard, Patrick O’Brian, and the Enfield bayonet. Really good tea, fish and chips, Vox amps, prison ships ( now there’s a bit of trivia for you. They would feed prisoners on bread and water, not as an act of culinary estrangement, but because the intestinal tract would eventually stop functioning altogether, and the prisoner would simply… explode. Awfully effective.

Well, enough about some of the joys of  life in the Empire, as it were. It’s back into the leaf pile for me.

Oh, wait…one more thing.

Take that, Lebron.

Published in: on October 27, 2010 at 1:24 pm  Leave a Comment  

Various and Sundry…

Here’s a smattering of items, none of which are interesting enough to warrant a separate post;

A) Old Guy at the Guitar Center II; while poking at overpriced classical guitars the other day, I struck up a conversation with an even older guy who hadn’t realized yet that he was invisible, too. So I stepped him from the $299 laminate- body Breedlove that he was looking at  ( sounded damned good, too) to an $849 solid-top-and-sides model ( sounded way better, and will only get even better with time ). So I guess I can work there too, when I want to. Told him to carry it up to one of the Associates and ask if they might be able to find a case. Good deed accomplished, I was musing as to what their commission structure might be as I approached my vehicle… and there was a twenty-dollar bill lying on the ground beside the driver’s door. Not much of a percentage overall, but not bad for an invisible salesman.  Damned synchronicity again…

B) Deconstruction Issues… Good news and bad news. Good news…the contractors have changed up the game plan completely, and I don’t have to go stay at the dormitory after all. They’ve decided to take a big shortcut… Bad news… my brother-in-law’s house burned down. Just property damage, no fatalities or injuries. Still…synchronicity…it’s kind of like wandering through a theme park, but you can’t quite figure out what the damned theme is. ( Ok, that’s probably just me…or maybe the sign that said TimeLine Adventureland might have been a clue…)

C) Comments…Good to hear from Glenn on the tropical paradise thing…almost makes me want to get out of the leaf pile…but naah, I’ve got no skin pigment anyway…I’d have to carry a quart of SPF 500 around all day. And Girlie, your leaves are all ready. Mostly yellows, with a few blazing red mixed in for contrast. Cider’s iced, with a splash of Captain Morgan, if you please…

Published in: on October 25, 2010 at 5:31 pm  Comments (2)  
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New Leaf Terminology (NLT)…

For those of you who may be new leaf rakers ( NLR), or new leaf turner- overs ( NLTO), leaf- impaired ( LI) or leaf- challenged ( LC), or possibly misinformed concerning maple leaf applications in general (MCMLAIG), not from New England ( NFNE), or not even from Canada ( NEFC), here are a few new terms that need to be clarified;

ELP ( emergency leaf pile ); as stated previously, one should keep a reliable rake in one’s vehicle, so that one may pull over and quickly assemble a servicable leaf pile in times of stress.

SLP ( strategic leaf pile ); these are pre-raked piles, left in strategic locations, approximately 50 yds. apart in a grid pattern; individuals should be able to dart into the nearest pile in app. 20 seconds.

In both scenarios, one should remain in place until one feels better, typically 5-10 minutes. Upon leaving the pile, please tidy up a bit if at all possible, in consideration for the next leaf pile visitor ( NLPV).

The Society of Leaf Pile Aficionados ( SLPA) appreciates your support.

Thank you for your attention ( TYFYA).

Over and Out ( OAO ).

Bye ( B ).

Published in: on October 14, 2010 at 11:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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That’s right. No hyphen.  And an inappropriate suffix. Daring and reckless, yes, but we must sometimes forge ahead in the difficult business of forcing words to fit better with circumstance. Webster and the Devil be damned.

Not the same Webster?? Honestly, I don’t care. It’s Monday, it’s Columbus Day to boot, and I can’t decide what to write about. So it seems that I will write about several things. Multi, as in ” more than one”… facet, as in …facet”…ism, as in ” an annoying and likely embarassing personal condition.”

A) Columbus Day; has anyone in human history ever been that lost??

B) The Era of Deconstruction; my humble abode will be partially demolished and supposedly rebuilt, as a result of the spring rain/flood of this last March. So, for 3 weeks, we will be in an extended -stay facility. That is a contractor’s timetable, not mine, so I hope to get home by Christmas. An eerily similar scenario synchronicitiously occurs at the address of one FCF of the legendary Wakefield Doctrine; and…a large and prominent public building that figures critically in both of our personal histories is …disassembled. Destroyed. Demarked. Declassified. Taken from the face of the Earth.

Synchronicity is sometimes disturbingly…well, I don’t have a good word for that just now. You may feel free to ask either of the Websters for something appropriate to use. It’s beyond me, and I have to resist the urge to drive by the Weaver, Wilcox, and Rumford libraries to make sure that they haven’t been…removed? Does this ultimately befall any building that a WD progenitor has some attachment to? Is this why Rodan had such a bad attitude about Tokyo? ( If you actually get that joke, then you are either as old as Dirt, Clark, or I; or, you have no semblance or shred of a life at all; or, you own the full Blu-Ray version of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and host personal problems in abundance). I actually loved MST, and would proudly display the box set, if there were a box set. Meanwhile, try not to get too very attached to any of your local structures. That’s not just a Japanese guy in a rubber suit out there. Stay out of restaurants, libraries, campus buildings…and for God’s sake, don’t invite Clark or I over for any reason whatever. You’ve seen what could happen. You’ve been told. It’s not just a rubber suit…I choose to believe that, just like I choose to believe that I’ll be home for Christmas ( 2010, dammit, not 2011!)

C) Autumn in New England; Everyone on the planet should get to experience a perfect fall day in New England at least once. Therefore, I propose that, by Presidential decree, every kid in the world should be airlifted here so that they can learn the joys, smells, and sounds of shuffling down a woodland path through a foot of maple leaves, of raking leaves into huge piles and leaping headlong into them, of the gritty feeling of leaves that get down the back of your neck and itch, of mulled apple cider and hot apple pie with vanilla ice cream served by people with only your very best interests at heart. Of finding the perfect pumpkin. The air is brisk enough for a warm coat but the sun is still warm on your face; as close to heaven as you can get and still be on the upside of the grass.

So, hundreds of battalions of adults will be gainfully employed in raking leaves for kids, thus helping the unemployment figures. Millions of apples to be picked, pies baked by the hundred thousand; this could be bigger than the WPA program. Obama looks good, and Glenn Beck can’t find anything particularly evil about maple leaves. So let’s start shipping all those kids in ASAP. And each kid goes home with a bushel of apples, a pumpkin, and two pies.

And just one last bit to add; has anyone ever noticed how kids like to just stay put in a leaf pile, even if they’re not actually jumping? I remember Olivia at about age three; I would cover her completely in leaves, and she would stay hidden there, completely in silence. A wonderful thing, to be buried in leaves. Adults should use that for therapy and meditation; I’d take leaves over a pschychiatrist any old time. Or, maybe they should just get in the habit of holding therapy sessions in leaf piles…board meetings, AA meetings, Senate confirmation hearings, job interviews…anything, really…all in leaf piles.

I think that would work very nicely.