In The Beginning…( Posts About Food )

 English: Hostess Twinkies. Yellow snack cake w...

…there was really only one all-purpose recipe. It served everyone equally well.

Chase it, catch it, kill it, eat it. And since they didn’t have index cards yet, I’m sure that there was a lot of memorization going on; with the occasional pop quiz. ( Dammit, what was number three again? )

Or, the equally viable alternative;

It chases you, it catches you, it kills you, it eats you.

Most days, it could go either way.

Early dining may not have been terribly sophisticated, but it was certainly dramatic enough. On a good day, you were only one step removed from your food source; on a bad day, there were no steps at all, because you were the food source.

And then there was fire ( along with National Grid to regulate it, I suppose )… and life got much better.

Because now… there was roasting. Food tasted better, was much safer, and would keep longer. Survival rates went way up. National Grid instituted their first rate increase…

But now, early people were two steps removed from their food source;  procurement, and preparation.

So rudimentary society began to form around campfires, and soon after, recipes were being exchanged. Tribes were formed based on one’s preference for barbecue sauce or a dry rub. Early cave drawings in the south of France included a Samsung 24-c.u. side-by-side with water and ice on the door, packaged with a Jenn-Air cooktop ( free delivery w/ rebate, once the wheel is invented; special order only, once Sears is invented)  Bobby Flay’s ancestors began a rough draft of the first grilling cookbook ( The Joy of Killing ) and the first Food Network series went into pre- production ( Iron Chef  Caught Your Dog…Sorry! ) Admittedly, plating was going to be an issue.

And nowadays, there are so many steps separating modern man from his food sources that we no longer even care that there are steps involved at all. It’s traumatic enough just having to keep track of all the new kinds of Oreos. ( Gluten-free lo-carb whole wheat double-stuffed with flaxseed and zesty guacamole filling…)

Personally, I don’t want to live in a world where Oreos are good for you. Oreos may be the last dignified form of suicide that we have left.  And, I’ll have whole milk with ’em, too.  I just don’t care anymore…

English: Double Stuf Oreos, by Nabisco.

Rumor has it that Jack Kevorkian owned stock in Hostess Twinkies…just an urban legend, I suppose. But they found six cases in the trunk of his car…

Recipe tip: 4 oreos= 1 twinkie.

In Texas, you can get deep- fried twinkies at the state fair. Mother of God, you would have had better odds of survival if you were defending the Alamo…

*****

And on our next food-oriented post…Paulette, the Soup Angel.

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Long live the Twinkie. Are there not petitions circulating calling for support of Hostess! They should never have been in a position to have to file bankruptcy!
    The Oreo. Classic, tasteful… but the bakers that be are totally out of control with the abundance of oreolistic mutations.

  2. P.S. Good post:)

    • Thanks. I guess I’ll be doing food themes for a while. Not sure why.

  3. […] Progenitor roger at the Secessionist Rag:  Food? you want to know about food??! Sam J. Porcello (1935 or 1936 – May 12, 2012) was […]


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