Coffee Lingo…

I love Starbucks. I hate Starbucks. But I really do love Starbucks. I mostly despise Starbucks.

I am apparently ambivalent in regard to Starbucks.

I like their coffee a lot. It is generally very strong  ( as opposed to the anemic Dunkin Donuts) and would raise the dead, if only the dead could get their hands on some. The retail stores have a wonderful aroma when you go in, and no matter how resolved I am to not succumb, I always do. So after a few pounds of exotic beans, a few cds, and a large dark roast… that comes to 36.50, sir..will that be all for you today?

Good Lord….yes, that will be all for me today. For several days, actually. And I hate you and your snarky attitude, little miss. And your smock. And that you sell coffee mugs for 12.00…and that people apparently buy them.

But not me. I have lost many a good mug off the roof of my car, and if I lost a 12.00 coffee mug, I would be on my hands and knees in the breakdown lane searching for all the pieces. Then to the nearest Target for Super Glue…and later that same day, a trip to the emergency room with acute Super Glue poisoning; or ASGPas the ER nurses like to call it.

So I thought I would just try the drive-up window this morning, skip the aromas and cds and all that…just get the death coffee and go. I usually make my own at home and transport it in a thermos, but alas…a broken carafe emergency puts me once again at the mercy of snarky little Miss Starbucks poster girl 2013.

Now this really ticks me off…

I pull up and order a large dark roast, regular…

And the first thing they do is translate your order into a language that they find acceptable; so that will be a Vente Grande, sir? Will I be leaving room for cream and sugar?

I refuse to answer in their Italo/Hispanic hybrid language…

No…regular… is fine, thanks. ( This is the universal indicator for ” will you please put the damned cream and sugar in”…hence the term…) Why don’t they know that? Why??

So the coffee comes out with about three molecules of cream, and no sugar at all. ( I generally do not use sugar in coffee, but their Vente Sumatran Death blend does require it ) That will be 2.24 sir…will that be all for you today?

So I have to pull around to the front, go in, and fix it myself. Turbinado sugar, of course…( There is a Starbucks in Virginia that once actually removed all the brown sugar packets when they saw me come in again…sadly, I’m not even embarrassed by that…Starbucks owes me, don’t you see?? They owe everyone…yes, I’d like a dark Vente Grande with 76 Turbinado sugars, please…bitch….

And another 6.99 for a closeout Christmas cd of nuns singing in 16th- century French, a must-have for any civilized music collection…with the Boston Camerata doing biblical readings in Middle English– what great natural reverb you get from the pulpit of a cathedral… who could resist?

And one pound of Sumatran Death that was on sale ( only 11.99…and a slice of blueberry crumb cake, dammit…)

That will be 36.50, sir…will that be all for you today?

Why is it always exactly 36.50?

They’re probably just trying to make their money back on all the sugar. Well, two can play at that game. I happen to know exactly how many packets of Turbinado you can get for 36.50. Who’s smirking now, little miss?

And of course I was late for work.

*****

Starbucks Update; Later that same day, and I have just tried  the Jamaica Blue Mountain. I must admit that it is wonderful. Smooth, earthy, complex…  certainly no cream or sugar needed… All is forgiven. I might have to bring back a few ( hundred) packets of Turbinado, as a sign of redemptive good will. That should confuse them.

I love Starbucks again.

 

 

 

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. LOL Good post. Any post having to do with coffee….
    I’m reminded there are some who look at coffee as they might chewing gum for example. Coffee is coffee is coffee. As long as it’s hot (we’ll exclude the seasonal iced coffee drinkers lol). They’ll even drink it out of a styrofoam container!
    I have to admit I’ve only been at a Starbucks once and coincidentally it also was in VA. The Tysons Corner area as a matter of fact. Was taken there by my 20 something niece after a bout of shopping. I had a mocha (insert 2 syllable adjective) frappacino. Must admit it was yummy. Can’t say I could drink them on a regular basis though.
    Me, I’ll stick to Maxwell House French Roast thank you.
    Good to have you back RCoyne \o/

  2. Thank you, it is kind of nice being back. My VA Starbucks was outside of Fredericksburg, and after having been in there three or four times, they actually took the Turbinado in and claimed to be out of it. So unfortunately the one in Petersburg had to pay a terrible price. They just never learn. Or is it me that never learns? I forget.

  3. Of course it is! I am not familiar with the Turbinado but it’s implied “strength” leads me to believe it has a counter active agent. Strong enough to offset the lead melting strength of Starbuck’s “regular” coffee.
    Yes my friend, ’tis you that never learns. LOL

  4. And you a supermarket veteran…” Sugar In The Raw “…will you ever learn? Of course no one buys it at those prices…except Starbucks. Nice sort of molasses-type flavor. Certainly worth… borrowing…ah, the moral depravity of it. I am not stealing, but rather balancing off their despicable monopoly. They have not yet learned, the cheeky bastards.
    Actually, I take it from them and bring it to Dunkin Donuts.

  5. Sadly, this writer claims DD coffee is anemic compared to Starbucks simply due to the stronger roast flavors generally found at Starbucks. Some education on coffee would help the writer. Stronger roast flavors come from hotter and longer roasting. This process results in caffeine also being consumed and roasted off. That is why DD coffee actually has MORE caffeine than so many of the Starbucks roasts.

    This is the same problem in beer. People with little beer knowledge assume a Guiness is a strong, heavy, high calorie beer. The opposite is true.


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