Last night, I went to bed telling myself that I would have a dream about what to do for a new post. I have been poignantly uninspired of late.
And just as the saying goes, sometimes you get exactly what you asked for. It worked. Not only did I dream of what to write, there was actually a sequence within the dream where I reprimanded myself for presuming that I would remember everything in the morning. I was reminded to wake up and write it down, because it was pretty important stuff that the world needed to know about ASAP. No time to lose; take the note with me to work and write the post mid-morning, which is my usual habit.
There was no note waiting on awakening; that was just part of the dream. But, more importantly, the impetus to get started quickly was fully intact and pressingly imperative. I went through my morning ‘auto-pilot’ sequence wondering exactly how I might make this work; trusting that a caffeine jolt strong enough to wake Ambrose Burnside would give me a lead ( who, BTW, still insists that sending the black guys in at the last minute at the Crater was a good idea…)
So… now it’s finally time to impart the wisdom. What was written on the dream-note that could change the course of human events, once presented to humanity in the humble guise of a SecRag blog post?
Vacuum cleaners.
And not just that…the most pressing point of the dream that people absolutely had to know was…
It’s Apathetic Vacuum Cleaners that can change the world. That’s what I had to wake up for, and write down on the notepad. Be sure to tell them that. It is vitally important that someone tell them before it’s too late.
So…I have. An apathetic vacuum cleaner can make all the difference in your lives.
There…I’ve fulfilled my promise. And at this point, you might ask; where, oh where is the deep spiritual significance of all this?
Don’t ask me. I don’t know. They didn’t mention that part. But you’ve been told.
Sorry. I know it’s not much to go on. I’m just the messenger. Believe me, I would really, really like to tidy this up with a snappy and entertaining ending with a nice twist to it. As the writer here, I feel just awful about this. But I truly have no idea where this is supposed to go.
But maybe…just maybe…could it be?
Maybe one of you knows where this should be going. Maybe I only got a part of the broadcast. And remember, I’m certainly not the brightest bulb…hell, I’m not even sure I’m in the shed at all. And even though I’ve repaired my share of vacuum cleaners, I don’t think that matters here. They’re desperately trying to tell us something, and we have an obligation to mankind to interpret for them. Either that, or it’s the Gregg’s Lemon Surprise cake that I had last night.
So I’ll tell you what…if any of you loyal ( or not…disloyal works, too) SecRag folk have any knowledge concerning apathetic vacuum cleaners…please, please help me finish this. I’m not proud. Just send in your endings as comments, and I’ll put them right into the post ( provided that they’re reasonably civilized ).We’re all in this together.
And if your Dyson has seemed a bit edgy and out of sorts lately….or if it has a light on the front that’s been sending you Morse code…for God‘s sake, pay some attention. Does it always have to be all about you?
So please pitch in and pull your weight, and help me to help you… to help me. Because it helps you. To help them.
And meanwhile…I’m off to Gregg’s for an Irish coffee and some cherry cheesecake. Ciao.
RCoyne
The Secessionist Rag 
Just trying to help–chip in a little. When I think of vacuum cleaners I think of what they do. What do they do? They suck!If you tell someone their vacuum cleaner sucks, you’ve complimented them. Sounds like an insult–but not really. So that makes me think about other “hostile” utterances. Like “Fuck you.” Christ, man. That’s a good thing! All those people who I thought were were hostile toward me were really expressing something very positive. Fuck you–means “I hope you fuck soon”. Nothing wrong with that! And I got mad at those people. Right now..right here..I apologize for getting angry. You guys said that because you want something good to happen for me. You guys are fucking great! Fuck you too, fellas. I mean it. Fuck you six ways to Sunday! And fuck your mother too! Why leave her out of the fun? So..is the vacuum message that all “hostile” utterances in human history have in fact been only misunderstood well wishes? We didn’t have to have all those wars? We don’t have to have any more? “Die you infidels!” Could that be a wish to expedite us to our heavenly reward? And all this time we thought it was hostile. We have to re-think everything. “Your mother was a fucking whore!” …means..”Your mother lived a happy sensual life and had all the sex she wanted to have and did not suffer from stupid inhibitions. I admire her.” Wow! This is huge! This turns thousands of generations of human cruelty and conflict into tragic misunderstandings. Really, man! Fuck all you bastards!,, and all the people with married parents too! Your vacuums have just changed the universe. I guess they don’t suck…Oh God! What have I just said? Of course they suck! Sucking is their job–and they’re very good at it.
Just for the record..I did a lot of drugs in the 70’s.
(…if I may go off on a tangent..) (…!!? you?, go off on a tangent?! how shocking*)
For any and all Readers with a parallel interest in the Wakefield Doctrine, I would like to point out an easily missed rogerian expression**
Perhaps more of a rogerian expression remnant, or even shard of one, our Author begins to employ a metaphor (or is it simile?, damn! can never keep those two apart), in any event (our) Writer writes:
…”I’m certainly not the brightest bulb…hell, I’m not even sure I’m in the shed at all…”
Damn, I love rogerian expressions!
* I would give a major body part for the capablity in these Comments to employ asterixeses. Without an asterix, sarcasm comes across sounding so…(looking for a word, not ‘gay’ cause sarcasm is a tradmarked linguistic element for our mo brothers, not dumb, cause that is clearly not the case….see!! there! again without an asterix that ‘clearly not the case’ clause just sat there looking like old, worn playing cards in the spokes of a bicycle after a rainy day…hell with it)
** a rogerian expression is a primary characteristic of the personality type referred to as a roger (by the Wakefield Doctrine ( http://wakefielddoctrine.com ) and it is characterised by the person’s deliberate choice of words that while not literally correct, convey a specific and possibly un-welcome meaning…and it is done with complete malice and (a)forethought…
Example of the rogerian expression: “I see they have a sale on the DVD ‘The Civil War’, I want the movie but I am going to wait until they release the unabashed edition”
Thank you for allowing me to write such a (italic begins here> succinct coment <italic ends here)
Woke up early this morning because my Oreck Lite had somehow climbed up onto a chair and was frantically beaming Morse code in my eyes. I suppose I had better learn Morse code.
It occurs to me that people from across the globe who check in on all this stuff must think we are completely and utterly out of our freaking minds. I’m thinking that maybe they’re onto something.
” I’ll take ‘Words that end in ‘ uck’ for $200, Alex ”
Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!
As for the ‘expression’… that’s me just having fun with words. Forethought, yes. Malice? Absolutely not. It’s generally done in a wry and self-deprecating fashion. This time, I was referencing back to the same device originally from a post going back several months. And that is a technique that I’ve blatantly robbed from Eddie Izzard. Eddie will deliver dozens of arcane references in his rapid-fire style, and then connect back to them later in the same monologue. My version is to go back and make reference to my own arcane stuff months later.
Sadly, when Eddie began to do the same thing and refer back to his own material from previous monologues, people accused him of being stale and not having anything new. They didn’t realize that the real focus was in the style and rythym of the setup and delivery. The actual subject matter has very little to do with it.
Eddie took that pretty hard at the time and actually stopped doing standup for a while. But then he came back with a Wembley Stadium gig to 44,000, so there you go.
…to paraphrase one elderly ethnic female, ‘nooo, mothe…
you mean ‘he did not, you don’t say no you to me’…
In any event, you over-credit Mr. I, I have it on record (and my name is on the Social Register) that the first documented ‘rogerian expression’ was said to have been uttered somewhere in the early 1970’s in Wakefield, RI (yes, the eponymous town)…in any event;
let the record show that the Progenitor roger was at a dinner that his wife Camille held for some sizable dairy products from the faculty of the local University.
This was a very important dinner for the newly designated Mrs. Coyne, she being of no small ambition, she knew that her dinner would impress even Gregory Campbell. Things were going quite well ( it is told in hushed voices ) when one of the guests offered the Host some smashed potatoes, to which our Progentitor roger replied in a clear, unencumbered voice, “No, thank you. I think I will surpass on that”
…’And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville…”
and thats how it began…
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